What’s That Sound?
It’s good to know I’m not the only person who sews their beeper into the lining of my shorts.
“The Only Power In The World!”
Best comment about the Wonder Woman costume redesign may come from this reader of Deadline Hollywood:
The colors on the costume don’t work. If she is to save the entire human race she must not have any black and blue in her costume. Black is the color for the dark side, and navy blue is the color for government workers….The dark side / devil side always destroys the earth / human race….GOD and his people always rescue, protect and create….after all GOD is the one who created the world and the human race! GOD and angels would never destroy what he created, it is man (humans ) that destroy each other! The issue should be numbered in # 700! Satan always lose, and GOD/ ANGELS always win!!
She must represent GOD in order to have the ONLY POWER to save the world! The only way that it makes sense! We all know “evil” always bring unhappiness, so she must be portrayed as the ” LIGHT ” and looked up to!!! She should be in white, yellow, red!!!
Yeah! What that crazy dude said!
Superheroes Don’t Do Funerals Well
Just think about the design of this cover for a second: Yes, the floating heads are from different strips in this anthology series, but still: Didn’t someone realize that putting their smiling faces above the corpse of Earth-2 Batman make it look like they were very happy he was dead? At least the Justice Society members have the manners to pretend to be in mourning.
I’m A Stickman, I Live With One Dimension
If there was one comic that I could, hand on heart, say was an underappreciated work of genius deserving of a wider audience, it’d be Nick Abadzis’ Hugo Tate. See? That confused look on your face? That’s how underappreciated it is; you’ve never even heard of it.
(The above, of course, doesn’t apply to those of you who have heard of it; you were the ones who, instead of a confused look, read those two words and thought, Yes, that’s a great choice. Well done, you.)
Tate was one of the many strips that ran in Deadline, now two decades old (Jesus Christ!) and still not outgrown the title of “The magazine that gave the world Tank Girl.” Outshone at the time by Jamie Hewlett and Wired World’s Philip Bond – And, as an aside, why is there still no Wired World collection? Yes, it’d be dated, but that’d be half the fun (The other half would be reliving my teenage crush on Pippa, one of the strip’s two leads, but that’s another post) – Abadzis’ strip benefited from the freedom that came from the relative lack of attention, managing to grow and change as Abadzis did, coming into focus in such a way that felt organic and real, unlike so many other contemporaries.
At heart, I guess, Tate is a series about people and relationships. Its title character isn’t always the lead – there are episodes without Hugo altogether, dealing with his friends and relatives – and even when he is front and center, the stories aren’t always necessarily about him; they could be a retelling of a dream, or his discovering the diary of a forgotten relative, or whatever else Abadzis wanted to write about at that particular moment. The messiness and discontinuity was a blessing, though, despite what it sounds like, in part because of the cohesiveness of Abadzis’ intent if not always his voice, and because of his skill: Every episode felt genuine, and heartfelt. Every one felt like a handwritten letter from a friend, no matter what they were feeling at the time.
The series came to a head – and, I think, an end? – with the O, America storyline, where Hugo ran away from his problems and ended up losing himself (in multiple ways) in America. It’s the only storyline to have been collected, although it’s fallen out of print a long time ago, and well worth searching eBay and second hand stores for: Imagine a cross between Kerouac, Eddie Campbell’s Alec and British kitchen sink drama, and you’re pretty close to what it’s like. In the more-than-a-decade since it finished, I’ve often looked for something similar, something that’s as hopeful and realistic and honest, with no success. It’s like a friend you’ve lost touch with, and occasionally wonder where they are and what they’re doing at that very moment, struck by a sadness that seems silly to admit to.
Now My Parents Know How Jack Kirby Feels
It occurs to me that I have never actually told you all about my Stan Lee Says He Is My Father dream. I know what that sounds like, when I call it that – some crazy dream about the co-creator of the Marvel Universe turned even-more-shameless charlatan having produced not only seminal runs on comics like Amazing Spider-Man, Fantastic Four and The Savage She-Hulk’s debut issue, but also enough seminal fluid to father me and therefore give me some claim to a Fanboy Crown that hints that I, too, contain comic greatness in my DNA – but I promise you, the actual dream is something much more disturbing and, sadly, more in tune with the actual reality of the comic industry as it is today.
The dream, or what little I remember of it now, weeks later, had me meeting with Stan in some strange television studio that was also his penthouse apartment. I was there under work-related pretenses, I think, even though my family were all waiting outside for me (And outside, in this case, was the steps of the San Diego Convention Center; I remember, at one point, looking out and seeing them all bake in the sun, hoping I’d be finished soon), both excited and nervous to meet the man they actually call The Man. And, it turned out, with good reason: the Stan Lee in this dream was a sleazy, uncomfortable man who stood too close to you when he talked and kept a comically large, leatherbound journal of all of his sexual conquests with him wherever he went. And that’s where all the trouble started.
Upon hearing my name, you see, Lee declared that he had had sex with my mother back in 1976 and so therefore, was my father. Never mind that fact that 1976 is actually two years after I was born, or that the woman who he thought was my mother was – he showed me her entry in his journal, complete with headshot; Yes, my dream was this disturbing – not, in fact, my mother at all. He was convinced, and started angrily telling me that I was his son, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to just accept it and bask in his reflected glow. I didn’t, of course; I tried being polite and then, as he started describing the night of my perceived conception, simply tried to leave, but he followed me, trying to convince me that I was his creation and the sooner I admitted that to myself, the better off everyone would be.
The dream ended with me leaving the building, and rejoining my family. “How was he? Did he live up to his reputation?” they asked, and I shook my head in a “You don’t want to know” way, smiled, and told them that, no matter what Stan Lee said, they should never, ever, take him seriously.
Sometimes I worry about my relationship to comics.
Ho, Ho, Ho
From 2000, I think. But it was always about the past anyway.
Happy Christmas, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Who Said That Comics Couldn’t Be Educational?
From the classic, much-read Giant Sized X-Men #1:
A Judas goat is a trained goat used at a slaughterhouse and in general animal herding. The Judas goat is trained to associate with sheep or cattle, leading them to a specific destination. In stockyards, a Judas goat will lead sheep to slaughter, while its own life is spared. Judas goats are also used to lead other animals to specific pens and on to trucks.
I always thought Cyclops was making it up.
On Pop And The Need For It To Be Good
From a recent Damon Albarn interview:
I think pop music is a great place to get new ideas across … The only danger is knowing when you are doing good work, how many people might be affected by it … and you try not to become too knowing, which is really hard to avoid. When I did the first Gorillaz records I allowed my original guide vocals to stay, to say, “Hey, it don’t mean much, they don’t say much,” but this time I thought, “Fuck it, I might not say things totally successfully, but I’ve got to get clear again.”
I love pop. Not just pop music, but pop in general. Mass-market media, art that’s made to entertain as many people as possible, to win us over; there’s a bit in Bill Dummond and Jimmy Cauty’s The Manual that really sums up my feeling about pop:
Taking the angst-ridden, ‘I’m above all this!’ outsider stance only gets you so far and even then takes sodding years and ends up with you alienating vast chunks of the Great British public who don’t want to be confronted with Jim Reid’s skin problem on a Thursday evening.
I love it when people want to engage with the mainstream. Not sell out, not talk down to them, but to try and appeal to as many people as possible while still trying something different or challenging or new or just good. There’s an art to good pop that’s often ignored and/or forgotten, snidely passed over in the rush to proclaim Radiohead or Chris Ware the best a medium can be at any given moment, and it’s frustrating that so many audiences and artists would rather be niche and comfortable than stepping outside themselves into the sunshine for a bit.
That said, Ultimates still wasn’t as good as everyone says it was.
The Secret Origin Of The New Marvel Universe
(It’s Onomatoepeia weekend again, so while I’m working on that, here’s last month’s essay.)
Who isn’t excited about Marvel’s new mega-event, Siege (AKA The Story That Made JMS Leave Thor Because He Didn’t Want To Write A Crossover Into The Book, but marketing suggested that that was perhaps a little long to fit comfortably on covers)? The end to the uber-story that’s been dominating Marvel since 2006’s Civil War, and one that will finally reteam Steve Rogers, Tony Stark and Thor for the first time since 2003? You just try and stop me from running out to buy that only to see the $3.99 price tag and have a momentary twinge of doubt before picking it, and all of its attendant spin-offs, up anyway.
But what many people don’t know is that Siege is the result of many, many more months of negotiation than The Powers That Be in Marvel are willing to admit, and that J. Michael Straczynski’s leaving Thor was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to in-fighting at the publisher surrounding the project. The idea of reuniting Marvel’s core Avengers may seem like a no-brainer now, but the sad fact is, it’s the story that almost broke Marvel Comics apart.
***
10 Possible Earlier Names For Siege, from a leaked Marvel memo:
- Siege of Asgard
- Dark Reign: Siege of Asgard
- Dark Reign: The List: Siege of Asgard
- Avengers Reassemble: Dark Reign: The List: Siege of Asgard
- Yes, It Is Your Father’s Avengers
- Asgard Is Iraq But Without Saddam Hussein Do You Get It Yet Norman Osborn Is Azy-Cray
- We Have A Movie Coming Out With All These Guys In It, We Should Do Something About That
- Finally, Dark Reign Is Almost Over, Do You Really Need A Story Or Can We Just Pretend It Never Happened?
- Aw Yeah Avengers!
- Marvel Bromance
***
The idea of a “final act” to the storyline that started waaaaay back with Avengers Disassembled – back in those more innocent days when we all thought Hawkeye was dead and not just horrifically misused with his core concept abandoned in favor of a generic and meaningless ninja costume – has long been one that’s been floated around the Marvel offices, and not just by editors who then mysteriously found themselves moved to the Ultimate and Marvel Adventures lines. In fact, it’s a little known fact that both World War Hulk and Secret Invasion were both originally planned as being events that would bring the core Avengers back together, with the former being planned as a “Tony Stark gets some sense beaten back into him and then everyone goes after the Hulk, good times” storyline at first. So what has finally been able to make this happen?
President Barack Obama.
Yes, yes; you may know him as the charming and disarming 44th President of the United States of America, as well as a recent Nobel Peace Prize winner (If you’re a fan of Fox News, you may also know him as the man undermining America with his Kenyan Kommunist Ways, but the less said about that the better), but because you’re a comic fan, the one thing you definitely know about the man they don’t call Barry is that he’s one of us: A geek who’s unafraid to get out that lightsaber on the White House Lawn or admit that he read comics as a kid.
(This has been a double-edged sword, of course. On the one hand, comic fans across the world rejoiced when Obama became President, as it finally provided proof that, yes, we could do something with our lives if we really wanted to, it’s just that we’re too busy wondering whether or not Hal Jordan is going to have to use the power of all of the various Lantern Corps in order to defeat the Black Lanterns thank you very much. But on the other, it also brings a new expectation to fail to live up to when we don’t go into politics and reveal a humble yet inspiring public face that ushers in a new age of international optimism about the US. Still, you win some, you lose some. Can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. A bird in the hand is worth two in the – Wait, I think I’m losing my place.)
For Marvel Comics, the election of Barack Obama has been a particularly surreal experience. Yes, he gave them the best sales of any issue of Amazing Spider-Man since the Green Goblin won the War on Drugs by throwing Gwen Stacey off the George Washington Bridge in that classic 1970s storyline, but unbeknownst to the Joe Quesada, Spider-Man editor Steve Wacker or even Stan Lee himself, the very creation of that story would affect the future of the Marvel Universe… forever.
***
5 Abandoned Plots To Get The Old School Avengers Back Together, from another leaked Marvel memo:
- Tony Stark discovers that Captain America’s assassination was not the work of the Red Skull, but instead part of a plan by Loki to finally demolish the legend of the Avengers once and for all, allowing him to eradicate the force for good that he had accidentally created forty+ years ago. Seeking to right this wrong, Iron Man makes peace with Thor and the two of them go to Hel to rescue the imprisoned soul of Steve Rogers.
- Steve Rogers wakes up after being shot to be confronted with Tony Stark and Donald Blake, who tell him that there’s a Crisis On Almost-But-Not-Infinite (for legal reasons, of course) Earths, and that the real Avengers are slowly being replaced by downbeat versions of themselves who can’t seem to get along. Only the three heroes can right this cosmic wrong – If Kang The Conqueror will let them!
- Turns out Iron Man was possessed for all of Civil War and The Initiative by a giant glowing alien insect that’s the personification of assholishness, and when he manages to get free of it, his first act is to apologize to Thor, who then takes Iron Man back in time to stop Cap from being assassinated and history is rewritten so that nothing post-Civil War counts in continuity. Which also means that Spider-Man is married again, so everyone complaining about that will be happy too.
- Let Dan Slott write the entire Avengers franchise and give him six months to sort it out. He might ignore continuity to do so (Hello, Hank Pym suddenly being so insanely smart and pro-active), but if there’s one man you can trust to get Cap, Shellhead and Thor back together, it’s Slott. If he seems unwilling, promise him Wonder Man and the Beast as well.
- Everyone was a Skrull. Again.
***
Readers may not have noticed, but certain powers that be within Marvel are very fond of the idea that hopelessness equals drama. That’s why every successive Marvel event has ended with things being worse for our heroes than they were before; House of M depowered the mutants, Civil War outlawed superheroes unless they were willing to give up their right to privacy, Secret Invasion meant that they also had to agree for an immoral supervillain who was also somewhat insane and, worst of all, World War Hulk gave the Marvel Universe Jeph Loeb’s Red Hulk. It’s a common mistake, thinking that drama = conflict and that conflict = everyone’s lives being depressing, put upon and essentially horrible (Longtime Marvel fans will remember Stan Lee making that same mistake with the little-discussed failures Journey Into Misery and The Soul-Destroying Piss-Man, although the latter is well-regarded amongst the alt-comix community for the visionary artwork of Steve Ditko), but with sales continuing to rise with each new depressive branding, it was looking as if the readership was as happy enough to buy into it as the creators. Then, however, Marvel published the Barack Obama issue of Spider-Man and their one big mistake was made.
See, Marvel didn’t have the rights to Barack Obama’s likeness. And, sure, while he’s a public figure, the White House has some great lawyers, and one thing led to another and suddenly all manner of secret deals were being put in place to save Marvel from costly financial and public losses resulting from the four page story… including letting the current President of the United States dictate certain creative decisions concerning the future of the Marvel Universe.
Many have wondered why the X-Babies have made a comeback, and brought the characters from Marvel’s appallingly-uninventive Star Comics line with them – the truth is, Planet Terry is Barack Obama’s favorite comic book and he demanded it. Others have wondered what the deal is with the cancelation of New Warriors, and the answer is simply that Obama thought it sucked. But those are small fish next to the second biggest issue on President Obama’s list of necessary moves to make his Marvel: Reunite the real Avengers.
The news that Marvel had to reunite the trinity of Thor, Iron Man and Captain America or else face public ridicule, bankruptcy and potential government bailout did not go down well internally; Brian Michael Bendis threatened to quit over what he saw as people muscling in on his territory as creative dictator for the publisher, while Mark Millar threatened to make another public statement about his own confused political opinions, reportedly telling Joe Quesada “I’m as lefty as Lenin, but John McCain would never have tried to tell us how to do our jobs! Plus, he was a war hero, and Obama sounds like something Jack Kirby would create and now I don’t know what to think.” Only the gift of Marvel stock and the promise to sell the company to Disney, thereby guaranteeing a financial windfall was enough to calm them down, and even that wasn’t enough for editor Tom Brevoort, who had to be forcibly restrained when given the news.
Eventually, however, almost everyone at the publisher came around to the idea – with the exception of Thor writer Straczynski, who decided that a life writing a midlevel team-up series at DC was preferable to having plotlines dictated by major political figures, sadly unaware that Sarah Palin was about to be announced as his collaborator on Brave and The Bold just months later.
And so, finally, Siege has been unveiled to the public, ending a tense few months at Marvel Comics. Editorial and creative figures within the publisher are said to be relieved by the fan reaction to the storyline, allowing them to get around to the one remaining item on Obama’s MU agenda: Explaining that whole “Peter Parker and Mary Jane making a deal with the devil to get divorced” thing.
Look forward to Spider-Man: One More Brand New Day Again in early 2010.
Remember When Clark And Lois Were Swingers?
Seriously, I’m not the only person who wonders what the “innocent” explanation of Lois’ response was supposed to be, right?
(From Superman: Past and Future, courtesy of the wonderful Portland public library system.)