Unedited: Notes on Smallville
(I write recaps/reviews of Smallville for io9 every week – This week, I ended up making notes about the show as I watched… which now you can read, to see how I watch a TV show.)
Best intro line ever: “I came as soon as I saw your Kryptonian beacon.” Sexy.
Maxima kisses with tongues. In great detail, and slowly. Is this Superporn?
Lois gives Clark a hard time about not getting over Lana – Thank you for that, Lois. Can’t we forget Lana exists?
Jimmy and Chloe have relationship problems, because she used to be in love with Clark and Jimmy’s realized that he’s meant to be Superman’s Pal.
Tess gets invited to a party by Green Arrow and then gets into showdown with Maxima, who thinks that party invite is from Kryptonian, who is her perfect mate.
It’s the special relationship episode!
Barman gives Jimmy advice – and it’s THE DUMBEST ADVICE EVER: “You’ve got to make her realize she’s not the only fox in the room.” “You are so right,” Jimmy says, because Jimmy is a doofus.
Maxima mistakes Jimmy for Kryptonian and says that he’s the one she’s been looking for. Jimmy decides to cheat on his fiancee. Nice guy.
Chloe is exposition central – and they’re pretending that it’s part of their ongoing “What is going on with Chloe?” plot as opposed to them just trying to dump information on everyone really quickly.
Jimmy kisses Maxima then almost dies. Clark comes in, saves Jimmy and, by the way, Ace of Clubs is the shittiest club ever. But Maxima finally finds her man!
Tess tries to hire Chloe to break into some supercomputer! She says no!
Jimmy wakes up in hospital. Gives some crazy monologue about how you can’t forget your first love that’s JUST WHAT CLARK’S BEEN THINKING but he has to lie to make Jimmy feel better. ProtoSuperman: Promoting Keeping Secrets From Loved Ones Already.
Clark is in the Daily Planet entirely alone. Where is everyone else? This is the only newspaper where no-one works at night? Maxima kisses him and suddenly he’s dosed with love juice! They’re totally making out! Suddenly she gets coy: Let’s fuck in the elevator! Why? Because she’s seen Fatal Attraction out there in space. Oh no! Lois sees them in the elevator and breaks Maxima’s spell! He runs after Lois and Maxima’s all “aw, fuck.”
Lois is all jealous and pretends she doesn’t know it. Maxima is completely out to fuck Lois’ shit up. Maxima tells Lois that there is a strong connection between Clark and she – and then lots of dudes with guns show up.
Tess and Clark have a showdown – Tess reveals that she’s seen Maxima and then she gets a call about Maxima being shot at – Clark overhears with supernosyhearing and runs there in time to stop a fight between Maxima and Lois (“Bring it, bitch.” Awesome).
Maxima explains that she just wants a man who is her equal. In terms of passion. And she completely feels Clark up. He’s all “I don’t want you,” but he totally does. Oh, Lana, do you have to ruin everything? He twists her bracelet and she teleports home. How did he know that would happen? WHO CARES?
With 10 minutes to go, Chloe tells Clark that she doesn’t love him anymore.
Tess is kickboxing in the Luthor Mansion. In the ONE ROOM OF THE LUTHOR MANSION. Because, apparently, there’s only one room in there. OH NO SUPERCOMPUTER IS MISSING PRESUMED STOLEN.
Lois and Clark have a moment. Lois is clearly smitten now, because Maxima was all “Ooh, you totally love him.” Clark is all “Well, if Chloe doesn’t love me anymore, then I’m over Lana” and doesn’t see that Lois has the hots for him. DUDE. Lois is awesome. Much better than Lana. Are you fucking insane?
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Who knew the world needed reviews and recaps of Smallville…and yet, its clear that we do. Well played.