I Joined A Gym

(Another essay from the Comix Experience newsletter. If you’re in SF, you can just pick these up at the store itself, instead of reading them months later here. This one is from… June? Maybe?)

So, I joined a gym.

There are many reasons why I made what, admittedly, seems such a rash, unexpected and entirely unlike me decision; my health, of course – Not that there’s anything wrong with me, but I am getting older and no longer get the endless hours of exercise my younger self enjoyed by, if you will, “raving” down at the local discotheque that I enjoyed in my early 20s – and the desire to counterbalance my life as a professional freelance writer by doing something, anything, that involves me actually being able to leave the keyboard for more than toilet breaks and occasional attempts to eat during the day, to name but two. But I should add an important modifier to my first sentence: I didn’t just join any gym. I joined Douglas Wolk’s gym. more »

TV Shows Never Die, They Just Become Comic Books

(Second of the essays written months ago for the Comix Experience newsletter that I have to put up here. Two more to go this week.)

What with the success of Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 8 and the lesser successes of Angel: After The Fall (Unofficially the official Season 6 of the television series. Don’t ask) and Jericho: Season 3 Oh Sure Like Anyone Picked Up That Book In The First Place, Come On, Even The People Who Watched The TV Show Only Did So Because Skeet Ulrich Looked Like A Cut-Rate Johnny Depp Let’s Be Honest And While I’m At It Who Calls Their Child Skeet Anyway, They Must Have Been So High While Coming Up With That One, one thing has become clear to television executives over the last few years: Comics are just like television, but better, because (a) there are no actors in comics, and (b) comics cost people money and have advertisements, as opposed to television, which merely has advertisements. It should come as no surprise to anyone, in that case, to discover that decision makers at networks ranging all the way from ABC to XYZ (Okay, Fox, but that’s only because there’s no network called XYZ. Even though it’s a great name for a network. Think of the slogans they could have! “XYZ: We’re completely the other side of the line than ABC.” “XYZ: We’re the end of the line for television.” “XYZ: Because, let’s be honest; it still sounds better than CBS.”) are looking towards comics to save some of their lower-rated series. Here are just some of the television spin-offs that you can expect to see mentioned in this very newsletter before too long:

Dollhouse

With Dark Horse currently running series based on Buffy, Dr. Horrible and Firefly (Even though they call it Serenity, which I’m sure has some licensing issue reasoning, but still confuses me; I mean, everyone accepts that Firefly is a better name than Serenity, right?), it’s no surprise that the Oregon publisher also plans to bring Joss Whedon’s failed “mind-wiped brainwashed prostitute but we’re going to call them ‘dolls’ because that’s much less creepy” series to the comic book medium. Initial plans include launching with a mini-series written by Joss Whedon himself, followed by a series of mini-series and specials that, like the television series, start out with a potentially interesting idea before devolving into a series of sensationalistic and gratuitous stories featuring the objectification and degradation of women in a faux-ironic-yet-not-really manner culminating in the series Dollhouse: Yes, She Could be Your Girlfriend If Only You Could Afford It by Adam Hughes, Frank Cho and J. Scott Campbell, in which every single page is a full-page splash of Eliza Dushku with graphic captions explaining how flexible and adaptable she can be ending with “But, of course, this is all very wrong” at the bottom of the page. more »

Marvel’s Secret Plans Revealed

(I should preface this by saying: Every month – well, almost every month – I write an essay for the Comix Experience newsletter. Occasionally, I throw them up here when they’re no longer in the latest issue. This is an old one from April, I think, hence the “still ongoing” comment about Marvel Comics’ Siege.)

You could be forgiven for thinking that Marvel Comics is up to something with their relaunch of the Avengers line in the wake of the still-ongoing-even-though-everyone-wishes-it-was-over-already Siege.

I’m not talking about the clear “We want to flood the market” message as the franchise blossoms to what is essentially five monthly books (Avengers, New Avengers, Avengers Academy and Secret Avengers all ongoing monthly books, and the alternating bi-monthly miniseries Avengers: The Children’s Crusade and Avengers: Prime) because, well, that’s just what Marvel does – Anyone who thinks otherwise, I have this simple question for you: Do you really think the world is calling out for a second ongoing Thor or Captain America monthly series? Because it’s getting both in this month’s solicits, and I doubt that anyone at the House of Ideas would be able to describe either with the words “Because you demanded it” with a straight face. But, you know, there’re movies coming out for all of these characters and franchises, and it’s not like there’re years of material waiting to be collected to fill bookshelves and satiate demand from newcomers or anything. more »

The (Second) Cleanest Restroom In America

Apologies for the recent silence; I flew out to Salt Lake City in the middle of last week for something for Techland, and have been playing catch-up ever since; apparently, even minor cross-country trips (Even minor cross-country day trips – I flew back the next night) take it out of me. The trip itself was interesting, because the flight, travel to- and from- the hotel and the hotel were all paid for and, to be honest, much more high class than I was expecting; the hotel suite was larger than some apartments I’ve lived in – there were two televisions, for the love of God – and I flew out first class, a first for me (I flew back in a ridiculously cramped Southwest plane, a victim of their surreal “No-one gets assigned seating but you all get special boarding numbers, which is like assigned seating only without the assigned seating” plan, stuck between the world’s largest fratboy and a businessman listened to Motley Crue too loudly on his iPod). I knew I was in for something special when the driver who met me at the airport looked at my destination and leaned in, conspiratorially, to tell me that the hotel I was staying in had the second cleanest restroom in America.

“It’s true,” he said, perhaps sensing the What The Hell Are You Talking About on my face, “It was voted for by everyone. There’s supposed to be a cleaner one somewhere in St. Louis, but I got my doubts.”

Inspirational Speaking

More proof that I am becoming worryingly obsessed with Marvel Comics’ Ben Grimm, AKA The Thing: I had a dream recently that ended with me, behind the scenes on some soundstage somewhere, watching as a charity telethon was being broadcast. On camera at that very moment was the Thing, trying his best to be an inspirational speaker, telling the patient audience at home that some problems can’t be dealt with by using your fists… only the fists of your mind.

Yes, my dream Thing actually said “the fists of your mind.”

Come on, Marvel, call me. You know you want this quality on a monthly basis.

Dominoes Are Falling In A Chain Reaction

There are times when bad news just seems to come on everybody like a storm; last week, it felt as if almost everyone I knew was going through some version of personal hell for all manner of reasons, as if it were an epidemic, or something that happens with a change in the seasons. It’s not even like that was some weird, freaky coincidental one-off – It seems that this kind of thing happens in cycles or something similar, because this wasn’t the first time – or even the first time this year – that so many friends were feeling so overturned by personal turmoil both invited and visited upon them. Maybe I’m just at the age where the lives of those around me start to settle down, so what would have previously been normal adventure and disaster becomes bigger and more important, in some way, or maybe I’m just super-sensitive for reasons that have nothing to do with my increased age.

Either way, I find myself thinking of Elliott Smith’s “Say Yes,” the part where he sings “Situations get fucked up, but turned around, sooner or later…” as if it’s something that everyone goes through, and nothing to be scared of. Or maybe I should draw from another Smith song, “King’s Crossing” for perspective: “Every wave is tidal. If you hang around, you’re going to get wet…”

When I Planned To Retire

In the 1970s, old guys used to enjoy taking out advertisements in comics and boasting about how great their lives were.

Call Central Casting

I can’t be the only person who feels, at times, as if life itself draws from a pool of actors to populate the world around us and, occasionally, uses the same actor more than once and hopes that we didn’t notice. It’s especially weird when I see people on the streets of Portland know that it can’t be the person I initially thought it was, because when I last saw them look just like that it was (a) in a different country and (b) it was more than a decade ago. And yet, it looks just like them!

(For whatever reason, this happens to me a lot with people who I don’t even remember why they look so familiar, only for me to remember much later in the day that I taught them back during my shortlived career as a teacher in art school. I have no idea why that’s the case.)

At times like that, I remember an old episode of a Star Trek – I think it was a Next Generation, but I might be wrong – where the fact that all the aliens looked like humans with funny noses was explained away by saying that everyone shared some genetic root or something like that, and I wonder if there are only a limited number of faces in the world, and that people who couldn’t possibly be who I think they are are, in some way, from that same genetic “pool” as the people I no longer know. It’s not impossible, I guess, and the idea makes me happy in a sentimental manner, makes me feel that it really is a small world, after all. There are too many people who, for whatever reason whether it’s fallings out or moving on or just plain moving (albeit across the Atlantic), aren’t in my life anymore, and seeing their doppelgangers by surprise every now and again makes me remember them, get sad, and then happy, telling myself that maybe it’s a sign that they’re out there and doing fine and maybe thinking of me at the same time.

Offered Without Comment

From a comic from the 1970s.

Luther Blissett Says Hello

I have some truly random favorite words. “Pistachio” is one, for reasons I’m sure that I’ve already shared, as is “Smile.” That latter one comes less from the whole “that thing when the corners of your mouth turn up, because you’re happy” thing, than the word’s pop-cultural importance. It’s the famous “lost” (and then reconstructed) Beach Boys album, and more importantly, a pseudonym used by various people who re-appropriated Situationist theory in the late 20th Century, like (more commonly used names) Luther Blissett and Karen Elliott. Yeah, yeah, I know. Spot the former art student who got hooked on all this kind of thing after wondering where the name “King Mob” came from in The Invisibles…